to the bunnies I got yesterday.

 

Clementine!

 

Congleton!

 

 

You can't even handle how cute they are.
Can you?
CAN YOU?!
 

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.

My life has been quite hectic.

I have made a lot of mistakes.
I have hurt a lot of people.
I have caused some trouble.

It is okay for now.


I learned some things, you know?




I am a housekeeper,  now, at a fancy, pinkies-up sort of hotel.
It is not such a bad deal. I sort of like it.
The hotel has been ridiculously busy lately, but we are all surviving.


 

I have finally sort of started drawing again.
It looks like my art from two years ago, but I am working on it.

Oh.
A few weeks ago,
Tyler and Brannick decided to surprise me by showing up
in Appleton out of nowhere. They hijacked Tyler's mum's car and just
drove to Appleton from Indiana in the middle of the night.
It was pretty heartwarming.

However, after some fun and smiles and whatnot,
there was some drama and some delightfully crazy bullshits.
I broke up with Jacob and dicked around and was a confused idiot.

We are back together, though.
It is good for me.

Tyler and Brannick went home.
Life goes on.


Jacob and I went on a cute little picnic.
Today we are going to the zoo with Ashes and Steven.



I think I am finally figuring things out.
Things are tough,
but they'll get better.

I am working on a different journal because,
if you can't tell, I am actually pretty sick of keeping a stupid
livejournal and updating stupid frivolous bullshit about my life.

So this thing is almost done for, probably.



Oh.
I am totally seeing the Decemberists next month.
Two days after that I am seeing Gogol Bordello and Man Man.



Ffffuuuucccckkkk yeeaahhhhh.




Ha ha.


Anyway!






 

I had to go back to the hospital already.

 

My kidneys aren't doing so well
It was pretty horrible pain.
It's ridiculous for me to have been in that much pain that soon after medication...

The ol' kidney and a half don't seem to want to work anymore.

I got a cat scan and there was talk of things not looking so well...

I don't know.

I don't have insurance.

 

Mum and I are going to figure something out.
Hopefully I can get a regular doctor somehow
and figure out how to take care of myself...

Otherwise I am on my way to kidney failure and that's... shitty,
and not something I really want to think about.

 

 

Oh well.

 

Wish me and my pathetic excuse for kidneys some luck or something.
 

Man.

You know, even after adding a 186 dollar trespassing fine and three hours of vomiting my guts out to the fantastic list of horrible things that have been happening to me lately, I am feeling pretty damn dandy.

The trespassing fine thing was kind of a funny story but mostly just involves Jacob, Luke, some friends and I getting busted trying to check out this abandoned school building. Jacob was in the building when the cops got the rest of us, though, so we had to kill time in a fucking Wal-Mart parking lot before we could go back and rescue him. It was pretty okay. At this point I am just happy if the awful shit that happens to me is at least entertaining.

Jacob and Luke are on their way to pick me up. We are heading to Milwaukee for the night and going thrifting in the morning. I am pretty excited about that. Jacob is a fantastic human being and Luke is pretty fuckin' awesome. And, you know, thrifting ought to be good for me.

I don't know.

 

I'm happy.
I guess that's what matters!

I am back in Applestown and that is ridiculously strange for me.

The snow is too damned much ha ha.

It's okay, though.

I have pretty much spent the last two days with William. Jacob. Jacob. William. I don't know. He prefers William, so I'm trying to call him that... it's just really difficult for me.

So. I have pretty much spent the last two days with William, and he is... a pretty amazing dude. Gorgeous. Sweet. Adorable. Brutally honest. Fun. Great taste. I don't know. He's good.

Friday night was supposed to be our date, but I wound up cancelling it due to getting in late and having travelled all day. Ashley picked me up and drove me around for a while, and I am just so happy to be able to see her again. She's my lady. Every time. After awkwardly driving around, we found our way to William's house so I could see him for a little bit anyway... and he and I have pretty much been inseperable since. It's hilarious, I know, but I'm happy. I've spent the last two nights at his place, which is wonderful by the way. His friends seem excellent (the ones that matter, anyway) and the apartment is so fitting for them.

Hookah smoking is delicious. Melon flavored tobacco? Nom nom. The film Happiness is amazing and hilarious. That fucked handhold attempt just about killed me. William gets so damned excited about things, too, and it is so fucking adorable that I can't even handle it. Watching movies or listening to music or checking out an old game is endlessly entertaining just because he gets SO EXCITED sometimes. 

Klumpie and Katie came by William's apartment last night and hung out with us. Deliciously illegal brownies were made and consumed. They fucked me up pretty hard toward the end of the night and then I just flat passed out in William's arms on the couch. I woke up this morning in so much pain that I later went to the hospital for the ol' kidneys.

I am pretty depressed right now and thinking about how much my kidneys are probably failing on me and I am going to fucking die before I turn thirty, but let's try not to think about that sort of thing.

Muh.
I'll forget about it.

 

Life is pretty okay, I guess. William and I are going to some sort of abandoned building with his friends tonight, hopefully. Otherwise it'll probably just be another quiet night at his place. It doesn't really matter to me.

Tomorrow is Ashley day. Tuesday is Matt day. Wednesday is Isabel day.

I am excited for friends.

Friends are good.

Hopefully Appleton is good.

Hopefully?

P.S. I am never speaking to Blake Rourke ever again.
I may slap him in the face as hard as I possibly can,
but I still won't ever say another fucking word to him.

I hate people.

Well, kids.

On Sunday I had a mental breakdown at Ponderosa. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. After trying to recover in the ladies' bathroom, I just... packed my shit and I left.

I lost my job.

When Tyler got home we had a talk and he decided that we aren't working out.

I lost my boyfriend.

It was fucking heartwrenching at first. However... I am okay.

The more I think about it the more I realize that Tyler and I did no good for each other. We may love each other, but we weren't doing anything or going anywhere. This fucking town hasn't done anything for me. Nobody needs to spend every fucking free evening on some guy's couch with a handful of joints and an Xbox.

Fuck that noise.

I'm going back home to Appleton.

I'm going to pretend like the last two years were practice. They were a learning experience. You know? I am slowly learning what I want and what I need and how to get those things.

I've spent time with quite a few of my Indiana friends so far. They know I'll miss them. It'll be okay though.

Stormi was exactly what I needed, though, I will say that much. She was the only one who didn't respond to my idea of moving back home with "Oh, I'll miss you, but I guess it's your choice, but you could stay for us." She said, "Do it. Get out now. Take care of yourself." We basically sat at a kitchen table and talked about how neither of us are like the boys that we've associated ourselves with. A lot of it was more novelty than anything, as harsh as that may sound. Sure, it's cute and fun to be a free spirited deadbeat, but when you have the kind of aspirations that we do... you can't hold on to that sort of thing.

After Stormi and I talked, I went back home and told Tyler that I love him and I will miss him but I completely accept that we were not meant to be. I decided we could stay friends. The idea hurt too much at first, but I really do care about him too much not to keep in contact. I need to know he's okay and I need to know that we can still talk. He's a good kid.

Later on, Trent and his new ladyfriend came and picked me up and we went out to Denny's for coffee. It was surprisingly nice and comfortable. Trent was really warm and sweet and comforting about the whole thing. We promised to keep in touch. It was good for me. He drove me back to Evansville with him and I spent the night at Danielle's, talking about my situation.

She was good. She wants me to move to Evansville instead and I just know that there is no way for that to happen. I love her, though, and I will miss her insanely. We spent the next day hanging around the tattoo shop, listening to Gogol Bordello and Frank Zappa and giggling at the same stupid shit we always giggle at. Mr. Kelsey Cain stopped by for a bit and later on took me to his place and then to his friend's house for some oldschool videogaming. It was a pretty excellent time. His buddies crack me up. My phone was completely dead so I wasn't sure how to get a hold of Danielle (time went by way too quickly with Kelsey) and I wound up just staying the night at Kelsey's. I tried to find a ride home all day, I just... got stuck. I am still trying to find a ride home today. Kelsey is in the bath. Heh.

Man. I am starting to do that thing where I write about ridiculously pointless bullshit.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my life in Vincennes fell apart, but it is an okay thing.

I already have plans for the night I get back in to Appleton (this Friday!). I have a date. Ridiculous, I know, but I think it might be good for me. It'll get my mind off of Vincennes. Besides, J. William Curtis is a beautiful man. He has a pretty face and a pretty head to put it on. He may have an ego of hilarious proportions, but I can't seem to argue with him. I just have to, you know, not let him interfere with the rest of my life and the things that I've come to realize are a billion times more important than boys. So, you know, I have to be careful. This one gives me butterflies, and butterflies can be dangerous.

Well.

If I can find a way BACK up here to Evansville tomorrow after packing, and a way back home again, I might be getting a going-away tattoo of a cute little monster on my upper left wrist. I hope so. I wants it. Bad.

And. You know.

I guess this is good-bye, Indiana.

I knew ye well,
and I sort of wish I didn't.

 

 

I swear to the stars,
I will burn this whole city down.
 

I am so excited for Christmas.

Tee hee!

It is good for me.

Not a whole hell of a lot is new, really.

I worked for, like, ten or eleven days straight. I cannot remember the exact number. I know that it was supposed to be thirteen, but I called in toward the end of it 'cos I got real sick, you know? I thought I was a puss queen for crying after work one day, only to realize that in actuality I am a badass because I worked that shitty fucking shift with a 102.5 sort of fever. Manliness is what I am made of, okay? Hurp.

There are a lot of things that I keep meaning to do that just sort of never happen. Mostly, though, things have been getting done and life has been going smoothly. I blew several hundreds of dollars on Christmas presents, but I am all right with that. I do not think you even understand how much I love giving people things. Ha ha! I am good like that.

Last night I talked to Fig for the first time in a long time. I missed that silly kid more than you could ever possibly imagine.

Tyler and I have both pretty much been working and doing nothing. We work a lot. He has more days scheduled than me this week, ha ha! Take that, you silly little deadbeat. When we are not at work, we are usually just... sitting with friends or at home, being poor and hungry and enjoying the illegal substances that we bought instead of food. Oh well! It works out okay, I think.

Having the internet back has been nice, but it has also made me sort of lazy. Not that talking to my friends for several hours is a waste of my time, really, I just really do not like to sit that long anymore. Hell, it hurts my ass. Ha ha! I am used to being on my feet more than anything, now.

Music is everything lately. Getting into new things makes me smile. Sharing things makes me smile even wider.

I sort of met this dude named Kelsey who seems pretty cool. He is way into Mike Patton and Captain Beefheart and Frank Zappa and the Residents and all sorts of lovely things. He is also a fan of sandwiches, but who isn't? Hopefully things will continue to be cool and I will have found another human being that I do not want to roll around in the gravel.

WELL there is probably more to be said, but it is about time for me to go to work.

I hope Trey calls to give me a ride.

WE WILL SEE if I have to jog my ass to Ponderosa here in about ten minutes.

Smile, everybody.

 

Je t'aime.

 

P.S. I miss Jesse. Where are you, my sunshine?
 

Man.

I hardly know where to begin. It really has been a while.

First off, I moved out of Brandon's apartment a WHILE back. He turned out to be, you know, a douchebag frat boy. I got really tired of him always trying to fuck me/talking about fucking me/making ridiculously inappropriate comments about my physical appearance/etc. It was pretty ridiculous. A little while after I moved out of there, he kissed me... and I haven't really taken him seriously since. My favorite part was how he tried to convince me and all sorts of other people that it was a "mutual" kiss when it ended in me ripping away, saying "I HAVE TO GO NOW AND YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN," running home and telling my boyfriend. Hurr.

Not to mention, while I was in Appleton, Brandon got these kittens that he decided to keep in my old room without consulting me and upon my return I found that a decent amount of my clothes were piss and shit stained and ruined and whatnot.

He is a really shitty, inconsderate dude, basically. I got mad at him about something else on Halloween and I told him that I am just completely done with him as a human being. We don't talk anymore.

Speaking of Halloween, I may have lost a friend for good because of my drunken antics. I got absolutely fucking smashed on Halloween and decided, for whatever reason, to send a few people text messages while I was vomiting massive amounts of vodka. One of the people I spoke to did not appreciate my drunken bullshit... I barely remember what was said, but I do know that I was being pretty shitty because I think I honestly just like to stir shit up when I am drunk. I feel terrible about it and I hope he forgives me some day but at this point I am starting to think that maybe we are all better off if he and I just never talk to each other again.

We have had a very strange friendship for a very long time and sometimes I worry about it hurting my relationships, honestly, so I guess I am okay with all those years of friendship going away. It hurts, but I think it has to happen. Yeah.

So, after I moved out of Brandon's I moved in with Tyler, Brannick, Steve and Ayron. Living with four dirty, deadbeat punk boys was one of the funnest living arrangements I have ever had. I love eveyry one of those kids and every night was an adventure for me. Eventually, Brannick and Steve moved to Terre Haute and Tyler and I got to upgrade from the nook in the living room to Brannick's old bedroom. Unforunately, the boys were evicted shortly after and so Ayron, Tyler and I had to find a new place to live.

We wound up moving about a half a block away to the white trash apartment building right behind Walgreen's. It is pretty good for us. Ayron left to visit family and friends for a while and it was just Tyler and I. He came back, then, but he is leaving again to go to Texas to get himself cleaned up and taken care of. I am really proud of him and I wish him the best of luck. I will miss him, though, because he really has become one of my very best friends. At this point, I really just wish the best for him. I love ya, Ayron.

So, I am alone with Tyler for a good long while, again, and I am honestly more than okay with that. Have I mentioned yet how much I love that boy? He is... something else, at least. I could not be happier with my little deadbeat boyfriend. He works with me at Ponderosa now (which is why we decided that the internet was affordable) and he is already the best damned dishwasher we got. Ha ha! Fuck Ponderosa, though. We have this new area manager in training who just sits around sucking Kye Hoffman's dick all day. The old manager that I wanted to throw through a window turned out all right, and now we just all hate this new Luke guy a whole bunch.

Oh well, though. Work is work. I should be getting another raise next month. Weeoo?

Plus, pretty much every one of my friends works at Pondo, now. Jerricha, Jimmy, Trey, Nick, Tyler, Ryan, and probably another person or two are all friends of mine who work at Pon-damn-fucking-rosa. It makes work good for me. We do it all for the shorties, you know. ALL for the shorties.

I have made some friends, like Nick and Trey, who are excellent people. If Tyler and I are not spending time together at our apartment, we are most likely at Jimmy, Luke and Jerricha's apartment or driving around with Trey and/or Nick. I have been spending some time with Lindsay and Ricky, too. I love those kids. It is a good time all around.

I miss Danielle to a ridiculous degree. Tyler and I are pretty set to go to Evansville on our next paycheck, and Danielle WILL be seen and rocking out WILL be had. Yeah!

I guess that not a whole lot else has happened recently.

I love Tyler Taylor like you wouldn't believe. I live in a crappy apartment. I have radical friends. My job still sucks but I am still okay with that.

The end?

The end!

For now!

I have the internet at my apartment now.

Tyler and I live in this crappy little white trash apartment building together.

It's just us for now, but Ayron will be coming back.

He's here right now, but he'll be gone again...

 

We have roaches. And mice.

I couldn't be happier, though.

 

Ha ha.

 

So, yeah. Expect things. Soon. Ish.

 

For now?

Kool-Aid.

LAR LAR LAR.

Holy balls I am so motherfucking burnt out at Pondofuckingrosa.

It is okay, though, because on August tenth my dear sweet deadbeat boyfriend and I are going to hop some trains and maybe a bus to Appleton, Wisconsin and take a little vacation for a week or so.

I am pretty excited about it.

I am REALLY excited about it.

Actually, sadly enough, at this point in time I am almost more thrilled to just not have to work more than anything else. I  keep picking up extra shifts and working doubles and all of that stupid bullshit. HAVING ONE DAY OFF A WEEK AND WORKING TWO DOUBLES IS GOOD RIGHT.

RIGHT.

Mostly it is okay because I really like taking home a lot of monies. My argument of "fuck paying furniture" won Brandon over and we no longer have rent-to-own bullshit and I am decently happy with what I have to pay for rent.

I guess we are having some kind of shindig tonight. People from work are coming over. Oh, oh, Brannick and I have been spending a lot of  time with Jerricha and Luke from Ponderosa. We were all concerned that because they are very normal, sweet, kids that they would eventually hate us both a whole bunch. However, we shot Luke in the face and he STILL likes us!

Yeah... yeah... Brannick, Tyler and Ayron (AYRON IS BACK :D) made a bomb out of some old bullets and then we (Brannick, Tyler, Ayron, Drew, Bria and Blake who we have lovingly nicknamed Jimmy) went down by the river to blow stuff up. Due to a lack of duct tape, the bomb failed miserably, but it is okay. We went back to the apartment and were hitting blanks with nails to make firecrackers. Luke, I guess, just happened to pick up a bullet that nobody had emptied the powder from yet and they hit it with a nail. KERBOOM. He got a shard of metal blown through his damn lip. It was hilarious and he bled everywhere. Brannick has the shard. It is IMPRESSIVE.

Life is pretty radmagical.

Really, I am happier than I have been in a long, long time, and it is a satisfied kind of happy. Being happy coupled with being on my own is exactly what I needed. Life is great. Life is good. Fuck yeah.

FUCK.

YEAH.



FUCKYEAH.